Wedding Bands

I feel like writing again! Not sure where to start, so I’ll just write.

I made it to a mountaintop, my first Mt. Everest that I didn’t even know I was climbing because the upward battle just became my normal. Everything in my life before this point was a steady climb with just small summits, to give me rest, before I carried on the climb. The realization struck in me church a couple weeks back, I sat there with tears in my eyes, feeling the Lord’s sweet love, like I have so many times in the past, but this time it was different because I looked down at my hand and there was someone else’s hand. Two hands, with wedding bands on each, along the journey God gave me the greatest gift, a husband to share life’s battles with. I always believed that as you follow the Lord, He will bring someone when the time is right, even though I stubbornly though I could make it through life on my own, He sure proved me wrong.

So here I sit, ready for the next direction to take, but I am realizing that I must learn to enjoy the view from the top because before I know it I will be descending down the mountain for a joyous ride that will be over in the blink of an eye and I’ll either be sitting in the valley, or ready to climb again, only the good Lord knows. Beyond anything that I do, I know now that I need to learn to enjoy each moment in life and all that comes with it. I don’t want to miss out all that God wants to do in life each and everyday.

My mind was so focused on racing and training for so long, but I lost myself in it, I was missing life, so much sacrifice for so little positive gain, if any, so I now I am resting my mind and learning to cycle for the absolute love of it. Which I know, I do indeed love, I want to ride until I’m 100 years old, and still love riding. Will I race again? Mostly likely, yes, however I don’t want to lose my heart in it, because without that it is all so meaningless. I remember standing on the podium at Provincials last year, a 3-event stage race in which I placed 3rd, 2nd and 2nd. I remember feeling so empty. I just rode my heart out, sacrificed so much to get there and yet I didn’t feel any fulfillment. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was upset that I lost 1st place by 2miliseconds at the sprint finish or if something was just missing.

I still don’t know the answer, but I do know that I need to learn to enjoy the journey of training and cycling and keep my heart along the way.

My husband and I cycled 520km and climbed over 7000 meters on our honeymoon in California and it was incredible! I love being on my bike and my husband is my favorite person to ride with. So I will keep building on that journey and see where it takes me.

Life has much to come and this is only the beginning…

I Think I Might Have Lost Myself Somewhere on the Pavement...

Well, it happened, things in life I forever tried to avoid, I let them in and somehow I lost who I am, or am I finally finding who I was meant to be?

I used to blog, it used to bring me a sense of peace and freedom, I used to find God in the words that I wrote and it used to give me strength to endure tough circumstances and to enjoy happy moments. I used to have no fear in sharing my heart and now I feel ashamed of what I've become. Not only that, but now I am BUSY. Yes, there is that word. BUSY. I fought to avoid it, I fought to avoid overworking, overtraining, stressing about things I put too much importance on, spending wasted hours commuting to work and now, I do it all and I'm so busy. My heart feels hardened and it's been a long time since I felt this far away from my Heavenly Father.

Life really does happen fast, I've had so many good things happen to me since my last blog post in April 2014, amazing fiancé, dogs who really are a girls best friend, a challenging yet inspiring job and of course, plenty of time riding and racing a bicycle. So is God really still in all of this? Can I be this busy, yet still have God in my day? Is he leading me the same as when I was serving on the mission field in Haiti? Is racing a bicycle just selfish, or is it acceptable to my Father in heaven. Is there a greater purpose I don't see yet? Have I sacrificed too much of myself for the things that I do rather than for who I am? I have so many questions and my heart struggles for peace in all of it, yet I keep pressing on, in a direction that only God knows where it leads. Can I still trust him? Or do I try to control the outcome, for one that may not be nearly as good as the one God planned? Do I keep fighting or do I give in and give up? I feel so overwhelmed.

Maybe, if I keep riding my bicycle, I will find myself again...somewhere, out on the pavement.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

I’m Back! – Desiring to Inspire more Women to Race.

After months of dedicating my time and effort to rehabilitating my body and my health I decided to try my hand at racing again to see where my fitness was. I also have dedicated so much time to cycling but I am not even sure that I love racing, I just somehow have this crazy passion in my heart for it and I just had to pursue it no matter what.

I have mentioned before that it is a challenge to find women’s racing here, especially for new riders because you are just lumped in with the men and it really isn’t all that much fun, it is more just a good hard workout and avoiding crashes. Thanks to Local Ride Racing and a race called Race the Ridge I was able to enter a 3 day stage race in a women’s only Cat 3/4 category (1 &2 are the top categories) where I could try my hand at a 50km road race, a 12.5km time trial and a 30 min + 3lap criterium.

Where do I start… …lets just say the moment I took off from the start line I was hooked.

Road Race

Just because it is the lower category does not mean the racing is not aggressive, there are some very experienced riders racing in these categories (you have to earn your way up the categories with racing for points and winning races). We were all fighting for the best position on the wheel, I started the pace off at 48km/hour and then I had to fight my way back into the group with elbows being thrown at me to push me out. I was feeling strong and perhaps over ambitions, but I wanted to see what my body could do so I launched 5 attacks in the 1st 2 laps which was so fun. I keyed my sights on a couple riders who I knew where experienced and after my last attack when I was fighting to get back in the pack one rider launched an attack on the steepest climb and took a few girls with her. My biggest mistake was not going after them right away, I figured the pack would be able to bring them back but they just weren’t strong enough. We ended up chasing them for the last 3 laps, learning how to work as a team and losing a few riders on the way to end up with 4 of us finishing in a sprint (going for overall time in the stage race), and I managed, after a lot of pulling and still sprinting off the front, to finish a wheel length ahead of the girl beside me. I was so happy to have experienced racing for what it actually is! How cool! It was time to recover for the time trial.

Time Trial

I forgot to mention that I was on my own for these events on the first day, no teammates, no coach etc., but my 2 years of working at a bike store, Kevin’s support/training, history of athletics/coaching, and my good heavenly Father always looking out for me, I was able to muster up the courage and boldness to go out and do it. This was especially important for the time trial as you are out there all on your own, no drafting, just the bike and you.
So off I went, legs fatigued from the morning effort into the windy roads of Pitt Meadows, where the last 6km of road was treacherous, I don’t think I’ve actually ever ridden on roads that bad before this. To my own surprise I was able to actually keep a decent pace, I had a road bike, so I tucked in low sat on the rivet (tip of the saddle) and just powered down one pedal stroke at a time. The head wind sucked, the truck that just about hit me caused me to brake so I lost about 10 seconds or more, but I maintained a decent speed. Almost everyone else would be on time trial bikes that are much faster than riding on a road bike with aerodynamic helmets and clothing. I would say my clothing was a fairly aero, but certainly not my helmet, but I wasn’t going to let any of that bother me, plus I know my Cannondale Evo Road bike is freaking awesome and I was sure thankful for it on the bumpy roads. I was hoping to maintain at least 35km/hour but ended up with a 32.2km/hour average so not totally disappointing, a solid effort and I still beat a good few girls in my category, 18sec behind the girl I was targeting. Time Trial DONE! Another fear conquered and very much enjoyed!

Sunday Morning Criterium

I was really excited for this race, I have been wanting to do “Crit” racing for a while now, but the risk of crashing is high and I really needed to have my racing speeds up to stay in the group. I was so happy to have Kevin out to coach me and a few friends to cheer me along. These laps are fast with average speeds for our category around 40km/ hour, the top men will be racing this at average speed of 50km/hour. Today I was not going to make the same mistake as yesterday, I marked the 3 girls ranked higher than me and every time they accelerated I was going to be right on their wheel. I wanted to show that I had the speed and power to have been racing with them the day before, if I had caught their group I would have been in contention for 1st place, but it was all a learning experience. Anyways, the 1st 4 places got called up to the line by name I was 4th; really cool (like I see on TV) and then we were off. This time I settled in to the pack working on the line I was going to take around the sharp corners, and watching the other girls like a hawk, if they accelerated I closed it down ASAP. By the 3rd lap I could easily gauge where on the course the majority of the attacks were being made, I decided to launch a couple just to push the pace and I was always a fight to not be the last rider. On the sharpest corner coming into the finish a rider didn’t see me on her left and BAM, I think 4 or 5 of us down, adrenaline running, we all got up fairly quickly, I had to get my chain back on and the rider who I beat at the finish yesterday came back to make sure I was okay, that to me was amazing. Anyways, for a crash in the first half of racing, they stop the race and all racers meet at the start and we continue on, because our category is so small this allows us to keep racing. My first thought when I crashed was disappointment that I would have to stop racing, then I remembered we got to keep going after the medical staff checked us out. So we carried on a good pace, racing hard, by this time I figured out the 3 teammates working together to get the win for their GC (top) rider and another girl boxing me in every corner after the finish line to take my spot (she obviously was an experienced crit racer), which was fine except she didn’t launch any real attacks, so that was annoying, and of course she finished just in front of me. I made the last attack to the finish, and I didn’t think I could push harder, but in hindsight I knew that is was mental and I could have, I didn’t sprint as hard to the finish as the day before and paid for it with a 4th place finish.

Overall I made some friends, enemies and had the best time of my life in any single sporting event (and if you know me, you know I have done a lot). I am on a path now to help inspire more women to race, I didn’t think I could do it; I knew it would be hard and painful but I did it anyways and it has changed my life. No matter how many people say to me “you need to do more with your life than race bicycles”, I won’t listen, in one ear and out the other because I know how sport can change someone’s life and open up doors than never may have existed otherwise.

I am thankful to Local Ride racing for a great event, especially for women like me who are new to racing and to Kevin, my mom and friends who support me in this.

This is what inspires me to write again, I can feel passion burning in my heart, so for now the journey continues as I mend my body from the crash and continue getting stronger.

The Journey is Rarely a Smooth Road.

It has been so tough to get back into writing, I always want to and I know it will be good for my mental strength, but I just haven’t been able to get motivated. With so many things to do and so many big life changes, it is hard to keep track of everything going on. I’ve experienced more burn outs in the last year than I thought possible, yet somehow I keep on going one foot in front of the other on this path called life.

I am not even sure what I want to write about, after experiencing so many hard circumstances I’m more inclined to write critically and cynically of others but what would be the point, that’s not who I have been created to be. So instead I remind myself that the Lord disciplines those whom He loves and that it is an honor and on the day of redemption I can join the celebration at the dinner table (and eat all the gluten I want)!

I think sometimes God calls us to let our dreams die, over and over and over again so that He can continually give them back to us in a refreshing way. Well I guess I am at that point yet again, my body is fighting for healing, mentally, physically, emotionally and I am awaiting the Lord’s direction, taking one small step at a time.

I have been so blessed with the most amazing, kind, caring man and two sweet dogs, climbing all over me and begging for my attention as I sit here trying to write.

I look back, wondering why I went through the trials that I did, why perseverance has become more than just a word on the page but a reality of everyday and I realize I just need to sit, breathe, relax and trust in God to show me the next road to take. I read a great devotional the other morning it went something like this…

“In the annals of heaven, the saddest records are those that tell of the many who ran well, with brave, stout hearts, until in sight of the goal, of victory, and then their courage failed”.

…What a great reminder to stop and listen to the still small voice. I sure don’t want to stop and loose courage when the victory is sight.

Short and sweet, but maybe this can be the first of me learning to open up my heart again.

The journey is rarely a smooth road, but so worth all the bumps.

Since the 1st day I got on a Road Bike my Life has Never been the Same

For the first time in a very long time, I feel inspired to write a blog and I’m not exactly sure why, or what I want to write about but it sure has been one heck of a crazy year. Maybe it has just been the mere fact of going through life’s battles that have sidetracked me from sitting and writing, I guess sometimes in life, you are just on the front lines of war and you do whatever you have to do to stay standing and not fall, or to pick yourself up after you have fallen. Everything else goes by the wayside except for pure survival. There are so many events that have happened since my last blog that I wish I had written about as they were so great, but maybe now I feel ready to reflect and move on to yet another chapter, the book of my life is just happening a super speed and I can barely keep up.

Since the first day I got on a road bike my life has never been the same, I found something that I had been looking for, for a very long time, something that brought me the physical feeling of freedom that I feel in my spirit, in my relationship with the Lord. I would like my life on the bicycle to reflect my life with my heavenly Father, maybe it does, often I feel it doesn’t because it is so imperfect. Maybe that is the point, that our heavenly Father loves us, no matter what, his love is unconditional and unchanging for us and always was and always will be. As much as I want to be selfless and have my behavior reflect the Lord, I rarely succeed and as a cyclist, I want to win, I want to go faster, I want to be stronger and I want to do that while still loving others. Sounds simple but the last 17 months have proven it to be my most difficult mission to date, a lifelong mission, that I will never get exactly right, but in all my failures, God still, will be the strength in my weakness. That is the essence of my journey with a bike.

I think for the first time I am seeing the kind of fatherly (or motherly in my case) love that God has for me not through children but through a wonderful, beautiful puppy. I rarely do things on a whim, but the things I have done seem to always be the most impacting and greatest parts of my life, for example when I went to Haiti which changed my life and randomly took a job in a bike shop which also drastically is changing my life and propelling me into my God given destiny. So that latest whim, buying a puppy, I have wanted a dog for a long time and in yet the 100th moment of complete and udder disappointment and loneliness I bought a puppy and have not regretted it a moment since. Koa, the tiniest little Chihuahua is the sweetest animal and brings me so much joy, love and laughter. I never really saw myself as a dog person, but this little puppy, within a week, meant the world to me. Training her has been such a reflection of past and present events of how God has been training me for life. When Koa is trying to go on her pee pad, but misses, I don’t want to get mad at her for missing, but rather praise her for trying to get it right, and now I see, that God does the exact same thing with us.

My life has been full of so much blessing in difficulty and at some point I realized that following your dream is not all candy and flowers, it is tougher than I can describe. I get beat down on a daily basis, physically, emotionally, mentally and I can never be thankful enough that God has brought a wonderful man Kevin into my life, who believes in me and my dreams more than I do and who will do whatever it takes to help me succeed. If there were not so many difficulties in life I wouldn’t be the person I am and Kevin and I wouldn’t have such a wonderful relationship, the Lord has truly blessed us through the most ugliest of problems that never ever seem to end.

I had some great success in my first year of cyling, 2nd in the Prospera Valley Fondo, 1st in my first cyclocross race and it has just begun. Today I start training with some national team and pro athletes, defiantly nervous, sick this morning from gluten, still nursing a hamstring injury, but I have never in my life been so excited for this opportunity, another major open door to pursing my dream. I am so thankful. I love this messy life and I can’t wait to see what God has for the future.

Women's Cycling - Stuck in the 70's...

“I am a Cyclist”

I never thought it was possible to be so passionate about a sport until I started cycling.

What is cycling? It involves a bike, not just any bike, but a road bike. Ranging in price from $700 to $15,000+, weighing anywhere from 24 lbs to <13 lbs. You wear tight clothing, often with flashy colors, and the rednecks driving by in their car will scream insults at you about your tight clothes and "superman" suit. Usually, if you really get into the sport, your helmet matches your bike and is about the weight of a styrofoam cup along with your matching carbon soled shoes. The bike you ride is fast, really fast as you pedal your heart out racing the cars blitzing by you, getting up to 90km/hr on a steep decent. The risk of crashing or getting hit by a car is always very high but it never crosses your mind any more. The sport can become so addicting you sacrifice friendships, earning extra income, having errands done like clean laundry or food in the house. If you start the sport before you have a well established income, most likely you are living below the poverty level and you have no way of getting above that line anytime soon. If you are a cyclist in your mind it is all worth it because the moment you get on that bike you become free. Somehow the world and all of its troubles just disappear into the abyss as you glide over the pavement with ease. You search for steepest hills you can find to climb only to experience a burning pain in your legs, so intense that it is probably close to some form of inhumane torture, all for the satisfaction of having a better time that your fellow cyclists or beating your last “Strava” time. You have cycling friends, but you never really know what the level of friendship because socializing is done while pedaling at 25km + on the roads and you are always in competition with each other. A cyclist has found their youth once again; they have found inner peace and joy after thousands of kilometers on the road in all weather conditions, all year around. How is Women’s Cycling still stuck in the 70’s?


http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/exergy-tour-cancellation-leaves-usa-without-womens-uci-events

If you are a female cyclist, looking to race, looking to become professional then you might as well be prepared for a trip to the 70’s. When was the last time you saw women’s cycling on TV besides the Olympics? Have you ever read about women’s cycling and the lack of funding? I wonder exactly how many professional women’s cyclists aren’t getting paid in North America. When was the last time you even heard of a women’s only cycling race in Western Canada? I could complain for days about how much money is in men’s cycling, including all the financing for doping, that has always been a part of the sport. What would be the point though, it goes back to the days where women were fighting to vote, this seems ridiculous. How does the Giro D’Italia have millions of dollars in funding while the women’s Exergy Tour in the U.S. is cancelled for 2013 due to lack of funding? I know they are different countries, but seriously. Even the men’s Tour of California, comparable to the Exergy Tour in Idaho runs every year with full sponsorship. The comparison of women’s verses men’s cycling is disgusting to say the least. Even if you try to google pro women’s cyclist, what comes up is “9 sexiest women’s cyclist” what a disgrace.

It has been awesome to see athletes like Clara Hughes and Catherine Pendral despite all obstacles, overcome and become world champions. The are examples to women all over the world in overcoming, tackling challenges and pressing forward no matter what. If you really are a cyclist it isn’t about the money it is about the sport and what it can do to help others, to inspire others, to be all that they can be. Maybe that is why women’s cycling has been able to keep a certain level of “innocence” in the sport, I am sure there is still doping one way or another, but it does not seem nearly as prevalent as the men’s, using the Lance Armstrong legacy as the prime example. I would like to do what I can to move women’s cycling forward in the small circle of influence that I have and I was reminded my passion for this yet again the other day.

How is wearing a kit that looks like Grandma’s Curtains going to help our Sport?



It is great the companies like Lululemon and Specialized are stepping up and sponsoring our local female athletes however I do have one complaint, one in which I need to make a personal commitment to help change. The women’s cycling kit that was designed for this team last year wasn’t great, it looked like a zebra that forgot half it’s strips, and it was mostly black, very warm in the summer heat. If the pro women wore the one you could buy in the store then I have 100 times more respect for them, the seams are horrible and would easily cut into your leg, the chamois was a disgrace and even if it provided decent comfort it looks like it would be packed down in 60km. But the kit was livable, I would never wear it, but it was unique. Now I walked into Lululemon in Downtown Vancouver this week and I never in my world of cycling have ever been so disgusted in my life. The women’s cycling kit I saw in there with “UCI” tacked on the shoulder was by far the absolute worst outfit I have ever seen. As a female cyclist fighting to bring the sport out of the 70’s I could not have been more appalled. The new cycling kit is a complete disgrace. Who decided that wearing the curtains from my Grandma’s living room in the 70’s would help to move the sport towards equivalency for women? This has set a fire in my heart to not sit here and complain, but to find a way to stop women’s cycling from being a joke and help it to become a well respected career for women all over the world. It is horrible that women have take whatever has been given to them, including wearing Grandma’s curtains to try and gain more sponsorship, brutal. I may have found a place to start, STOP cycling kits like the new Lululemon from ever being made! How un-believably upsetting and yes the quality of the kit is absolute garbage. I do however suppose that if I really want to help, money is the root issue, along with lack of interest in watching the sport. I do apologize for insulting somebody’s hard work of designing that kit, but it truly is a disgrace to the sport in my mind. Yes, I do realize that posting pictures of this kit is still advertising for them, but at least it's advertising for the sport.

I find myself so passionate about a great sport and looking forward to helping bring change.

Maintaining Integrity in a Battle Pt.1

I started to do a little study on Integrity in the Bible and God paused me on my first scripture;

Job 2:3 ESV

"And the Lord said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth a blameless and upright man, who fears the Lord and turns away from evil? He still holds fast his integrity, although you incited me against him to destroy him without reason"

Then the Lord started speaking this to me;

God is telling Satan how Job is still a man of integrity after all that he has gone through. Did Job get everything right on the first try? I don't think so. But I think God saw that his heart was directed towards him in all of it. In this battle to be a vessel of Gods light I think it is the very fact God places us in a battle so that are light can shine brighter. I don't think we are to measure the daily weekly or even monthly up and downs but rather the overall picture and direction of the heart. When we choose or maybe not by choice but end up in the darkest places on earth whether it is physical poverty or spiritual poverty or both it is going to be very difficult. When we choose to follow God in those places it becomes in terms of the fleshes desires increasingly difficult yet we receive an inner strength from Gods spirit that will lift us up not matter how many times we fall and give up hope. I believe it is in those places that we become so close to God and we truly begin to learn what his love can do for us. Just like being in love with another person, we long for those enjoyable romantic times, yet is it the most difficult times that can either draw you closer together or drive you further apart depending on if you choose to fight the battle or you choose to be complacent and ignore the battle. To preserve through a battle draws the relationship closer so that no wedge can be placed between the relationship and that intimate relationship with God, with a spouse, is the great reward.

To be continued...