I Think I Might Have Lost Myself Somewhere on the Pavement...

Well, it happened, things in life I forever tried to avoid, I let them in and somehow I lost who I am, or am I finally finding who I was meant to be?

I used to blog, it used to bring me a sense of peace and freedom, I used to find God in the words that I wrote and it used to give me strength to endure tough circumstances and to enjoy happy moments. I used to have no fear in sharing my heart and now I feel ashamed of what I've become. Not only that, but now I am BUSY. Yes, there is that word. BUSY. I fought to avoid it, I fought to avoid overworking, overtraining, stressing about things I put too much importance on, spending wasted hours commuting to work and now, I do it all and I'm so busy. My heart feels hardened and it's been a long time since I felt this far away from my Heavenly Father.

Life really does happen fast, I've had so many good things happen to me since my last blog post in April 2014, amazing fiancé, dogs who really are a girls best friend, a challenging yet inspiring job and of course, plenty of time riding and racing a bicycle. So is God really still in all of this? Can I be this busy, yet still have God in my day? Is he leading me the same as when I was serving on the mission field in Haiti? Is racing a bicycle just selfish, or is it acceptable to my Father in heaven. Is there a greater purpose I don't see yet? Have I sacrificed too much of myself for the things that I do rather than for who I am? I have so many questions and my heart struggles for peace in all of it, yet I keep pressing on, in a direction that only God knows where it leads. Can I still trust him? Or do I try to control the outcome, for one that may not be nearly as good as the one God planned? Do I keep fighting or do I give in and give up? I feel so overwhelmed.

Maybe, if I keep riding my bicycle, I will find myself again...somewhere, out on the pavement.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19