Wedding Bands

I feel like writing again! Not sure where to start, so I’ll just write.

I made it to a mountaintop, my first Mt. Everest that I didn’t even know I was climbing because the upward battle just became my normal. Everything in my life before this point was a steady climb with just small summits, to give me rest, before I carried on the climb. The realization struck in me church a couple weeks back, I sat there with tears in my eyes, feeling the Lord’s sweet love, like I have so many times in the past, but this time it was different because I looked down at my hand and there was someone else’s hand. Two hands, with wedding bands on each, along the journey God gave me the greatest gift, a husband to share life’s battles with. I always believed that as you follow the Lord, He will bring someone when the time is right, even though I stubbornly though I could make it through life on my own, He sure proved me wrong.

So here I sit, ready for the next direction to take, but I am realizing that I must learn to enjoy the view from the top because before I know it I will be descending down the mountain for a joyous ride that will be over in the blink of an eye and I’ll either be sitting in the valley, or ready to climb again, only the good Lord knows. Beyond anything that I do, I know now that I need to learn to enjoy each moment in life and all that comes with it. I don’t want to miss out all that God wants to do in life each and everyday.

My mind was so focused on racing and training for so long, but I lost myself in it, I was missing life, so much sacrifice for so little positive gain, if any, so I now I am resting my mind and learning to cycle for the absolute love of it. Which I know, I do indeed love, I want to ride until I’m 100 years old, and still love riding. Will I race again? Mostly likely, yes, however I don’t want to lose my heart in it, because without that it is all so meaningless. I remember standing on the podium at Provincials last year, a 3-event stage race in which I placed 3rd, 2nd and 2nd. I remember feeling so empty. I just rode my heart out, sacrificed so much to get there and yet I didn’t feel any fulfillment. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was upset that I lost 1st place by 2miliseconds at the sprint finish or if something was just missing.

I still don’t know the answer, but I do know that I need to learn to enjoy the journey of training and cycling and keep my heart along the way.

My husband and I cycled 520km and climbed over 7000 meters on our honeymoon in California and it was incredible! I love being on my bike and my husband is my favorite person to ride with. So I will keep building on that journey and see where it takes me.

Life has much to come and this is only the beginning…

I Think I Might Have Lost Myself Somewhere on the Pavement...

Well, it happened, things in life I forever tried to avoid, I let them in and somehow I lost who I am, or am I finally finding who I was meant to be?

I used to blog, it used to bring me a sense of peace and freedom, I used to find God in the words that I wrote and it used to give me strength to endure tough circumstances and to enjoy happy moments. I used to have no fear in sharing my heart and now I feel ashamed of what I've become. Not only that, but now I am BUSY. Yes, there is that word. BUSY. I fought to avoid it, I fought to avoid overworking, overtraining, stressing about things I put too much importance on, spending wasted hours commuting to work and now, I do it all and I'm so busy. My heart feels hardened and it's been a long time since I felt this far away from my Heavenly Father.

Life really does happen fast, I've had so many good things happen to me since my last blog post in April 2014, amazing fiancé, dogs who really are a girls best friend, a challenging yet inspiring job and of course, plenty of time riding and racing a bicycle. So is God really still in all of this? Can I be this busy, yet still have God in my day? Is he leading me the same as when I was serving on the mission field in Haiti? Is racing a bicycle just selfish, or is it acceptable to my Father in heaven. Is there a greater purpose I don't see yet? Have I sacrificed too much of myself for the things that I do rather than for who I am? I have so many questions and my heart struggles for peace in all of it, yet I keep pressing on, in a direction that only God knows where it leads. Can I still trust him? Or do I try to control the outcome, for one that may not be nearly as good as the one God planned? Do I keep fighting or do I give in and give up? I feel so overwhelmed.

Maybe, if I keep riding my bicycle, I will find myself again...somewhere, out on the pavement.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19